By design, I contend, our Creator designed us to be raised for a time in a home with both a father and a mother. In a broken world, this is not always achievable no matter how hard we might try as death, divorce and estrangement can all drive a wedge in a family. Sometimes the fallout, both bad and good might not be known for years or even decades. I also contend, that God can redeem all this and then some!
In reading a literature piece from 1877 I am amazed that both George Washington and Robert E. Lee lost their fathers at about age 11. For the purposes of this post, I will focus on the life that Robert E. Lee lived, his relationship with his mother and eventually his wife that shows the grace of God through providing a man who could be both tough and loving in every situation that this broken world threw at him.
The foundation for Robert’s life came in part from the following, couple this with his own free will and willingness to decide in his own mind what his character’s pillars would reside on, his life is a testament to what God can reveal about himself through just one individual.
Having read a majority of Robert E. Lee’s personal correspondence from his time in the Mexican War to that of his duties out West and eventually when he was a General in the Confederate States of America, I have only admiration as to the humble and Christian nature this man had in the extremes that life had to offer.
The following is a great resource (no longer free on Amazon probably due to the Political Correctness Movement) for understanding Robert E. Lee’s character (as well as Stonewall Jackson’s in later chapters):
This piece then goes on to assess:
.. the character of those women with whom General Lee was associated in the ties of family consanguinity, who, doubtless, had their share in moulding his character, most certainly in promoting his happiness.
Happiness. That word. Some believe money, fame or fortune will lead one to happiness, but just wait until you see what it was for Robert E. Lee:
The maiden name of General Lee’s mother, to whom he was accustomed to say he ‘owed everything’, was Anne Hill Carter, and she was a daughter of that branch of the well-known Virginia family of Carters residing at Shirley, a scat of old-time splendor and hospitality, on the James river.
Lee’s mother was born into a wealthy family .. and had quite an education, not in a boarding school, but in life and all that was brought her way:
In summer, an open-handed hospitality brought such an abundance of company to their homes, that the young people found little occasion for seeking amusement in places of dissipation and pleasure. And in the long winter months, the reading of English classical authors, foreign periodicals, new books, the study of music, etc., laid the foundation for thorough and practical education, such as is not always supplied in the famous boarding-school of to-day. No more skilled housekeepers, faithful nurses, and pleasant companions, were to be found than the Virginia matrons and maids of that day. Such was the home of Anne Carter, who became the second wife of that Henry Lee of the Revolutionary war, so well known under the sobriquet of ‘Light Horse Harry’
Marriage then removed her from this foundational environment as she sought to raise a family of her own:
For some years after their marriage they resided at Stratford, in Westmoreland county, Va., the old seat of the Lee family, and a most charming residence, situated on the banks of the Potomac. Here their illustrious son Robert Edward was born, January 19th, 1807, in the same chamber where two signers of the Declaration of Independence had first seen the light—Richard Henry and Francis Lightfoot Lee.
Within a few years, some tough circumstances came about:
When his son Robert, however, was only four years old, General Henry Lee moved to Alexandria, that his children might enjoy greater advantages of education. But in a few years his health failed, and, after sustaining a severe injury in endeavoring to quell a riot in Baltimore, in 1814, he continued rapidly to grow worse. In a vain attempt to recover his strength he repaired to the West Indies, hoping for beneficial effects from the change of climate; leaving his wife, also an invalid, in charge of their children, with the exception of the eldest son, Charles Carter Lee, who was absent from home, going through a collegiate course at Cambridge. In his correspondence, the husband showed that he had perfect confidence in the guardianship to which he had committed his sons as well as daughters. In one place he thus speaks of his wife and youngest son: ‘Robert, who was always a good boy, will be confirmed in his happy turn of mind by his ever watchful and affectionate mother’.
So with the father away in the West Indies attempting recuperation, and Lee’s mother, an invalid needing care, this all fell on young Robert.
We are told by one who knew Mrs. Lee intimately, that ‘she inculcated upon her children, by precept and example, the difficult duties of self-denial and self-control, as well as the strictest economy in all financial concerns’. This is the more remarkable, as we have seen she had been reared in the lap of wealth, and been used to living in style and elegance.
Lee’s mother, born into wealth, was able to be humble in this circumstance of life, and was quite a role model to her young son.
General Henry Lee was never to be reunited to his family, but died on his way home to the United States, in 1818, on Cumberland Island, near St. Mary’s, Georgia. Speaking of Mrs. Lee at this period, Miss Emily V. Mason writes:—’ This good mother was a great invalid; one of her daughters was delicate, and many years absent in Philadelphia, under the care of physicians. The oldest son, Carter, was at Cambridge; Sidney Smith was in the navy, and the other daughter was too young to be of much aid in household matters. So Robert was the housekeeper, carried the keys, attended to the marketing, managed all the out-door business, and took care of his mother’s horses. At the hour when the other school-boys went to play, he hurried home to order his mother’s drive, and would then be seen carrying her in his arms to the carriage, and arranging her cushions with the gentleness of an experienced nurse. . . .
Awwww .. how tender that Robert would be the one to help his mother through this difficult time. Oh how this helped to form his character as it could either have him grow more resentful or have him learn to self-sacrifice as he served.
When he left her to go to West Point, his mother was heard to say:—” How can I live without Eobert? He is both son and daughter to me”.’
General Lee always preserved a tender recollection of those scenes of his childhood and youth. …
Note that his response to these years as a servant for his mother, he still cherished that time. How honorable and noble is that?
For a long series of years Mrs. Lee was a sufferer, and, being left a widow in reduced circumstances, cumbered with the care of children, her trials must have been of a complicated nature. Yet she seems not only to have submitted with uncomplaining gentleness to the hardships of her lot, and not only to have risen superior to her own trials, but also to have sustained and cheered all about her. Her sick-room was airy and bright; all its arrangements were conducive to cheerfulness and comfort; the invalid, tall and stately in form, with finely cut features, added to these marks of a born gentlewoman a saintliness and purity of expression, which made still more beautiful her naturally lovely countenance. Her declining days were cheered by the most tender nursing on the part of her children, especially Robert, who, after graduating at West Point, devoted himself most tenderly to his mother, of whose fostering care and judicious counsels he was so soon to be deprived.
It seems that Lee’s mother also modeled a cheerfulness in the midst of pain and financial worry without her husband leading the family. The fact that Lee returned to his mother after West Point is quite a testament to his character!
Yet, it seems that this experience of his youth made him the perfect fit for his wife, Mary Randolph Curtis, who was described after her death:
Of Mrs. Lee it may be truly said, that she was worthy to grace the home and cheer the eventful life of this king of men. Though rendered by sickness incapable of walking, and never free from pain, she bore her sufferings with Christian cheerfulness, and always seemed contented and happy.
.. and after they as a family lost the Curtis mansion at Arlington (current site of Arlington National Cemetery):
No one ever heard vain words of lament, anger, or revenge pass her lips. In meekness she bowed to this sorrow as to a dispensation of Providence; in the silence of a true magnanimity she quietly laid this sacrifice beside many heavier ones upon the altar of country, and unmurmuringly, even cheerfully, accepted her lot among the reprobated ‘refugees’ of her stricken laud.
Furthermore, the character of Lee’s wife can be seen once again here:
When, after the war, General Lee lived upon a moderate salary, the compensation for his yearly labors as president of Washington and Lee University, the authorities of the college, who were so gratefully reaping the benefits of those labors, voted him a new and handsome residence as a gift, the General declined most positively to accept the gift, and would only reside in the new mansion which they persisted in rearing for him, on condition that it should remain college-property, and be called ‘The President’s House’, and reserved for future incumbents of the chair.
All unknown to himself and to his family, the board of trustees deeded the property to Mrs. Lee. When, after his death, the fact was delicately communicated to her, in order that she might know that the affliction of leaving her comfortable, pleasant home was not to be superadded to the irreparable one she had just experienced, and that, moreover, an annuity of $3000 per annum was hers for life, with the same high-mindedness as her husband had shown, she gracefully, but politely, declined to accept the annuity so generously proffered her, the house, or in anywise to tax the funds of the college for her support.
Founded as the institution had been by Washington, and fostered into a sudden prosperity beneath her husband’s rule, surely Mary Custis Lee might have accepted these offers with dignity; but she did not think so; and who can fail to admire the lofty self-respect and uprightness of soul which dictated the refusal of that which would have softened for her the asperities of life?
After Lee’s death, his wife would actually care for their own daughter:
After General Lee’s death, in 1870, his widow grew rapidly more infirm; yet still her fingers, stiff though they were with rheumatism, were employed mainly in a work of piety and love —her object being to aid in completing the memorial chapel which was to commemorate her noble husband’s deeds and the love borne him by the people.
Mrs. Lee seemed to find a sad, sweet solace for her grief in tinting the photographs of General Lee and herself, the proceeds of their sale to be used for the benefit of the chapel fund. It was sad to see almost a fevered glow flush her pallid cheek, as she would go on with her task, despite pain, weariness and soul-sickening grief. And another proof she gave, even then, of the modesty and humility of her character, in the low estimate she made of the value of this work; although those who are now fortunate enough to own them, regard them as inestimable mementoes, to be treasured with sacred care.
But, her labors were soon to cease. In the fall of 1873, her lovely daughter Agnes — the sweet and congenial sharer of her every fortune — sickened unto death. Day after day the agonized mother was moved, in her invalid’s chair, to her daughter’s bedside, her only comfort seeming to be in clasping the hand of the sweet sufferer, or gazing with fondest grief upon her loved and lovely form. Often too she was seen to be wrestling in prayer, that the word of healing might yet be spoken. But when finally the stroke of death came, the strength of the mourner gave way, and she was lifted to a bed from which she never arose.
Nature seemed to have no power to rally from the shock, and in a few weeks more, Mary Custis Lee was released from the pains and sorrows of this mortal life, and admitted to the dear companionship of her loved ones, who had ‘but gone before’. The whole Southern people grieved for her loss; and, as when General Lee died, the fountains of their grief for the disastrous close of the war seemed to open afresh, and from one end of the land to the other was heard the voice of mourning.
A mother’s love touches so many, and endures all things, until they return Home to a place where there are no tears.
-SF1